Hazy view from Government Peak
Poems, Songs, Stories

“Alaska,” a parody

I’m not trying to be the next Weird Al, but wouldn’t it be hilarious if he picked up on this post? A girl can dream, I guess.

This post is not about the Maggie Rogers song, but (what I think) is a humorous albeit kind of tragic and almost satirical cover of perhaps the most meme-able song on the Internet (though if you’ve been Rickrolled one too many times, you may disagree).

In light of  wildfires around the state and the longest streak of 80+°F days Alaska has had in quite a while, I give to you, “Alaska,” a parody of “Africa” by Toto, along with “Scabies” — a parody of “Jolene” by Dolly Parton, co-written by some of my fellow missionaries when we thought our teammates had contracted a skin disease — and “(But Really, This is) What Hurts the Most,” a parody of “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts (which I wrote as a freshman on the college ski team, and recently rediscovered.)

Alaska

I see the smoke coming in tonight
But she sees rising flames across the burning Sterling Highway
She’s moving out, 12:30 drive
The dusty pilot cars will slowly guide her towards salvation
I stopped an old man at Fred’s* today
Hoping to find some news about Swan Lake or up in Shovel Creek
He turned to me as if to say, “Hurry girl, it’s coming now for you!”

It doesn’t take a lot to drag me to the pool
There’s a lot of harm that eighty-five degrees can do
I miss the rains in Alaska
This is the worst heat wave I think we’ve ever had!

My neighbors cry out in the night
As the 4th approaches, waiting for the burn ban lift from Forestry†
I know that I must do what’s right
As sure as the sun rises smoky red above Mount McKinley‡
I doubt they’ll follow the rules this time, cashing out for fireworks and fun…

It doesn’t take a lot to drag me to the pool
There’s a lot of harm that eighty-five degrees can do
I miss the rains in Alaska
This is the worst heat wave I think we’ve ever had!

[Interlude]

“Hurry girl, it’s coming now for you!”

It doesn’t take a lot to drag me to the pool
There’s a lot of harm that eighty-five degrees can do
I miss the rains in Alaska
I miss the rains in Alaska (I miss the rain!)
I miss the rains in Alaska (I miss the rain!)
I miss the rains in Alaska
I miss the rains in Alaska (ah, this is the worst!)
This is the worst heat wave I think we’ve ever had (ooh, ooh)

*Fred Meyer, which is probably the most popular Alaska grocery store between the Valley and the Kenai Peninsula
The Alaska Department of Forestry, which effects burn bans that currently include fireworks 
It’s Denali now, I know — but that doesn’t flow like Serengeti

Scabies

co-written by Maddy Bradley, Karen Oglesby & Maria Streed

Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
I’m begging of you please stay off my hand
Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
Please don’t burrow just because you can

Your itching is beyond compare
With flaming bumps that raise your hair
With burning skin and nests of eggs unseen

You’re a parasite that brings a sting
Your existence makes me go insane
And I cannot complete with you scabies

Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
I’m begging of you please stay off my hand
Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
Please don’t burrow just because you can

The cream* surrounds me in my sleep
There’s nothing I can do to keep
From crying when I hear your name, scabies

And I can’t easily understand
That just because I shook a hand
That I can’t sit beside my friends, scabies

Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
I’m begging of you please stay off my hand
Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
Please don’t burrow just because you can

You could have your choice of hosts
But I’m the one you love the most
I’m the only one for you, scabies

I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, scabies

Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
I’m begging of you please stay off my hand
Scabies, scabies, scabies, scabies
Please don’t burrow just because you can

*To cure scabies, you have to put a special cream all over your body (early) and leave it on for about eight hours, or overnight.

(But Really, This is) What Hurts the Most

I can take the Butte* on a rainy, muddy day
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears in my shorts when I go out and play

I’m not afraid to fly every once in a while through the snow;
Goin’ down on my skis still excites me
There are days every now and again I think I’m gonna die
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
to the ground with my face
enduring a major scrape

And always knowin’
I’m losing skin
And not learnin’ that real skiing
Is the only kind I should be doing

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ blood every time I hit the pavement
But I keep doin’ it
It’s hard to force myself to keep going, but not with Meredith
and Danielle, Annika, Marian, Olivia, Cassie B,
and anyone on the ski team
at G-A-C,† go Gusties! Let’s go eat pancakes with chocolate chips
And go again next weekend!

What hurts the most
Is being so close
to the ground with my face,
enduring a major scrape

But it’s all good
Cuz I’ve got food
In my stomach and so far
looks like I’ll have some sweet scars!

But really,

What hurts the most
was showering afterward
And havin’ to scrub that scrape
Just to wash the dirt away

And not knowin’
when this song will end
cuz it’s getting kind of old
and the story’s done been told….

This is really getting kind of old,
And this story’s done been told!

*The Butte is a popular hiking hill, which real Alaskans refuse to call a mountain — good for Cheechakos though.
Gustavus Adolphus College, where I went to school

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